This week, as I've been preparing for my Sunday School lesson, I've been thinking a lot about Joseph Smith's First Vision.
So many things (or thinks, as my fingers keep trying to tell me) stand out about his story and it's example for me:
- age - how did he have the maturity and insight and bravery he did?
- self-awareness - he was so conscious of his worldly "status" ("though I was...obscure...and of no consequence")
- question - again, depth and substance when it would have been easy to trust parents and coast
- integrity - "I knew it and I knew that God knew it." kept him going through unthinkable hardships
- answers - the answer was in keeping with the magnitude of the question and the need - not the asker
It all seems pretty straight-forward as a pattern. We wonder, we study, we pray, we ask, we receive, we go and do. And maybe it should stay that simple.
But then the "ya-buts' in my head kick in:
- Ya, but...I don't have questions that are this important.
- Ya, but...Maybe that's why I'm not receiving answers.
- Ya, but...Or maybe I don't know what I should ask.
- Ya, but...Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.
- Ya, but...Am I receiving answers?
- Ya, but...Do I know how to recognize them?
- Ya, but...What if I'm totally missing the mark?
- Ya, but...Maybe I've missed it for so long they're no longer coming.
I worry that I'm worrying too much and I worry that I'm not worrying enough. I question whether I've known all along or haven't really figured it out yet. Nothing is jumping out.
Yesterday I had a conversation with Clayton that reminded me to put things in perspective. We were talking about upcoming decisions and life questions and, in the process were reflecting on past experiences as a couple and a family. Clayton was feeling like he often is just crossing his fingers that he is making the right decisions - and beats himself up when they're "wrong". He was feeling somewhat uncertain and even a bit discouraged in the face of the future. I had been questioning, in my preparation to teach Sunday School, my current ability to recognize God's hand and answers in my life. However, as we talked, my responses and my thoughts flowed freely - I recounted time after time when I saw the hand of God directing our lives. Not in spectacular, earth-shattering miracles noteworthy to the world, but in the mundane and critical daily experiences that have shaped us as a family.
- the choices and direction that led us to Pittsburgh (where we had the precise insurance coverage and medical care we needed to start our road with Ian)
- the specific therapists that began Ian's care (and started me on the path for speech-language pathology) - thanks Miss Debbie!
- the apartments and housing we've been able to find that have placed us in amazing wards and schools and have not spread us too think financially while still keeping us comfortable
- ALL the help during the 2 years we built the house, went to grad school (while working only part-time), finished the basement, and had Izzi (through multiple rounds of IVF and PGD - $100,000+ price tag by itself) without taking on any additional debt. I still can't believe we were able to do that - We would face a decision and things would come together just as they needed to.
- Where Clayton saw "wrong" decisions (why did we buy the house in Memphis only to have it suck up all the equity we'd built in Pittsburgh and end in an underwater mortgage and a short-sale three years later?), I recognized a loving Father who had helped us through difficult transitions (...the house that was in the ward where I had the support and love and friendships I needed to continue keeping us emotionally afloat while Clayton was struggling so miserably with his job...the fact that we were able to sell the house, even if a short-sale, in a drowning market and close within 1 month of beginning to pay rent after having. moved to Vernal...the realization that prestige in Clayton's job and size of house did not constitute happiness, which really comes from being together...the contrast between prestigious misery and more humble happiness in career choices that made the pay cut of moving to a regional campus of a state university more appealing than the flashy reputation and higher salary of the elite liberal arts college he was leaving) - a Father who supported us despite the circumstances and outcomes outside of our control.
As we concluded our conversation, he said it was good to talk through these things and be reminded that the balance has been positive.
Throughout my adult life, there have been a collection of talks and messages from General Conference that have been pivotal and defining in my life. This exchange has reminded me of several of them:
- Top of the list (probably of ALL the lists) is "O Remember, Remember" by Henry B. Eyring in 2007. This changed my entire outlook on recording the daily tender mercies we experience - building the habit of recognizing them and being grateful. This becomes relevant in my life SO often.
"I heard in my mind—not in my own voice—these words: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.”... I was supposed to record for my children to read, someday in the future, how I had seen the hand of God blessing our family....Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him."https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/o-remember-remember?lang=eng
- Next may be "Like a Broken Vessel" by Jeffrey R. Holland. I love Elder Holland! Sometimes things are beyond our ability to fix - perfection is not now. We are still loved and will one day be reunited with our loved ones in glorious perfection.
"...try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient....let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!...I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another..."https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&id=p16#p16 - I also truly have appreciated the counsel in "But if Not..." by Dennis E. Simmons. Sometimes, despite our most sincere pleading, we must accept that the answer is not what we hope. But if not...we continue to trust and move forward in faith.
"...we must understand that great challenges make great men. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings."
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng&id=p15#p15
- Finally, and perhaps most directly in this context is the summarizing idea of ongoing revelation and divine influence we read about in "Pillars and Rays" by Alexander Dushku. Recently I was speaking with Anya. She was struggling on her mission - she didn't know if she was really feeling the Spirit? She had some experiences where the sudden retreat of the Spirit (mostly in the face of interactions with very contentious individuals they encountered) left her realizing she was surrounded daily. We don't always get (or need) the dramatic pillar of light experience. We need to be aware of and recognize the warm glow of the consistent accumulation of rays and even glimmers that surround and warm us daily.
"...I have not seen a pillar of light, but, like you, I have experienced many divine rays. Over the years, I’ve tried to treasure such experiences. I find that as I do, I recognize and remember even more of them."
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2024/04/15dushku?lang=eng
This is where I landed at the end of my conversation with Anya - and with Clayton. I need to take my motherly reassurance and apply it to my own personal perspective and growth as well. It is the accumulation of rays I need to remind myself of.
- The overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude that touched me as we sang the closing hymn in Sacrament Meeting today. "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing". Usually I am touched by hymns where I know and have studied and connected with the text. I am familiar with this hymn but none of the lyrics stand out to me. I don't have any strong connection to them. However, as we sang today, I was overcome (to the point of tears and trouble singing) with a powerful love I can explain in no other way than that it was clearly a manifestation of my Savior's love for me.
- The "just right words" that come as I prayerfully try to serve and teach my Sunday School class. And the love I feel (and hope they can feel, too) as we talk together in class.
- The connections I feel with Izzi as we study scriptures together in a more purposeful and intentional way each night. That this practice, this habit, is helping with our spiritual development but also with our relationship and with other struggles I've been praying over as her mother.
I see His hand in my life. I am determined to record (for myself and my children) the evidences I witness. That I can be reminded when the need is great and that they can know for themselves that we are loved - and that I know it.
