In Anya's Words

And I’ll wrap it up with Anya’s own words about what she wants you to know about OCD...

“On June 28th of this year, I woke up thinking would be a normal day. Well, I actually don’t remember what I woke up feeling like, but I don’t think I predicted what would happen over the next few months. Anyways, I woke up semi-normal...but I went to bed throwing up and crying because of how sick I felt.

Mom thought it was anxiety; Dad thought it was a stomach bug. I went to sleep thinking that I would wake up feeling at least a little bit better.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t.

The next day, we went to my pediatrician and he prescribed anti-nausea pill and diagnosed me with a stomach bug that had been going around. I went home thinking I was on the right track.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

The next day, the worst day of my life, I was laying on the floor throwing up, crying (or so my mom tells me; I can’t remember anything but how awful I felt...) and not being able to do anything to function. Several times, we considered checking me into a hospital. 

But we ended up going to the doctor again. He gave me an anti anxiety pill, and we went home thinking that I was on the right track.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

The NEXT day, we called to get me into therapy with the same clinic I went to for my anxiety after Ian died. They said they were booked several weeks out and we’d have to wait. (Hooray.) Meanwhile, we called the doctor AGAIN because I couldn’t stop throwing up and the medicine was not working. I was given a faster working anxiety pill until the other one kicked in. We got off the phone thinking that I was on the right track.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t. And so the pattern of throwing up, crying, having my mom feed me, and not being able to do anything continued for several more weeks.

Finally, we were able to get an appointment at the Primary Children’s clinic. We got in to see a therapist, and we finally though I was on the right track.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

After two or three sessions with the therapist, it was clear that this wasn’t working. I was doing the strategies that I was told to, but they didn’t do anything.

So we went in to the doctor (as we had done weekly to up my dose of anti-anxiety medication) and he asked us if I had strep recently.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Strep????

Yep. Strep. The most mundanely dangerous thing ever.

We said no, and he asked if we had ever heard of PANDAS.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Pandas??? The cute furry ones from China???

Nope. Cute name, but it’s a horrible disease.

We said that we hadn’t and the doctor set us on the right track.

I don’t really remember much, but we saw a psychiatrist who consulted with us about medication. After telling her our whole story, she said that she’s never immediately thought that someone’s diagnosis is PANDAS until now. 

Somehow, we found a doctor who specialized in PANDAS. We drove out to the Wasatch front, got to the office, had me tested for strep cultures, and found out that I did, in fact, have PANDAS.

Basically, strep broke my blood/brain barrier and ruined the rational thinking part of my brain, sending my brain stem into overdrive. I was in fight/flight/freeze mode for several months straight. Because the logical thinking part of my brain wasn’t working, my memory was gone and the strep had given me OCD. 

The doctor we saw for PANDAS gave me an antibiotic, and he sent us to the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center where I practiced exposure therapy for ten weeks. I had to face my fears three hours every day so I that I could get better. We knew we were on the right track now.

OCD is often viewed as something that makes someone extremely bothered by imperfection and things that are visually “off” or something that makes people concerned about germs. 

While perfectionism and contamination OCD are valid diagnosis, there tends to be a single minded view that this is the ONLY OCD diagnosis. Here’s the thing: OCD isn’t about any one thing! OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, meaning that you obsess over something, anything, and you perform compulsions to try and prevent it from happening.

This....never works.

OCD is more like anxiety than people think. Being constantly down and sick because that feeling that “something-bad-is-going-to-happen-and-I-need-to-prevent-it” is there and won’t go away. Medicine doesn’t take it away, therapy doesn’t take it away...nothing cures OCD. It’s being afraid of something perpetually. It’s being so afraid of something that you can’t stop thinking about it, that you will do anything in your power to stop it. But the catch is: you can’t stop your fear. OCD preys on things that you can’t control.”